Books Adrian has read lately
String Cheese Incident
Jokes
Some humor to brighten your day...
This page is a collection of some of the best humor I've been emailed over the years...
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's a reply from the Smithsonian Institute to one of his submissions...
--------------------------
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
- The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
- The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters,
well below the threshhold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.
- The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more Consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
"Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter
finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have
submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems
to
weigh heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us
say
that:
- A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed
on.
- B. Clams don't have teeth.
- A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed
on.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavyload our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Primate Committee Thinking Experiment Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the bananna. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it, even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, except that now it's my fault."
(rumor has it this one is true)
One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and
who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc.,
such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends
were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week
(even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to
U-Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had
a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk
after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told
him that they went up to U-V for the weekend, and had planned to come back
in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't
have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting
back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make
up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk
had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a
test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5
points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that
problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
============================================================ ENGINEERS AND ACCOUNTANTS. A novel approach to saving money ============================================================ Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
The Evolution of a Programmer.
Copied from the Feb/Mar 1997 issue of Visual Developer, p. 104. Author unknown.
HIGH SCHOOL/Jr. HIGH
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
FIRST YEAR IN COLLEGE
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.
SENIOR YEAR IN COLLEGE
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World)))
NEW PROFESSIONAL
#include "stdio.h"
void main(void)
{
char*message[]+{"hello", "world"};
int i;
for(i+1;i<2;i++)
print("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
SEASONED PROFESSIONAL
#include "iostream.h"
#include "string.h"
class string
{
private
int size
char *ptr
public
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')){}
string(conmst string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr=new char[size+1];
strcopy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete[]ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator<<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
}
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.prt);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if(this !=&chrs)
{
delete[] ptr;
size=strlen(chrs);
ptr=new char[size=1];
strcopy(ptr, chars);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str="Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
APPRENTICE HACKER
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
Smsg="Hello, world.\n";
if (S#ARGV=0)
{
while(defined(Sarg=shift@ARGV)))
{
Soutfilename = Sarg;
open(FILE,"".Soutfilename) || die 'Can't write Sarg: S!\n";
print(FILE Smsg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close Sarg: S!\n";
}
}
else
{
print(Smsg);
}
1;
EXPERIENCED HACKER
#include "stdio.h"
#define S "Hello World\n"
main() {exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
SEASONED HACKER
%cc -o a.out~/src/misc/hw/hw.c^L %a.out
GURU HACKER
% cat
Hello World
^D
NEW MANAGER
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
MIDDLE MANAGER
mail -s"Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by noon tomorrow.
^D
SENIOR MANAGEMENT
%zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
%letter
letter: Command not found.
% MAIL
To: ^X^F^C
help: Command not found.
%damn!
!: Event unrecognized
%logout
If Operating Systems ran the Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the
airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece
by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to
be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let
the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump
on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and
act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know,
and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so
just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage
check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the
air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes
out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their
own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways
themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you
board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of
the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very
comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem,
the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do
what with the seat?"
How Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
GUESS CALIFORNIANS AREN'T TOO POPULAR ANYWHERE.
A Texan, a Californian, and a Boisean are in a bar drinking. Things start to get a little rowdy. The Texan grabs a bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle into the air. He then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying Tequila all over everything. The other patrons at the bar shout "hey why'd you waste that?!" The Texan says, "Hell, it's just Tequila, where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila." The Californian, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a bottle of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the glass, and sips it, then throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it with a little silver pistol. The patrons again express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste of a bottle of wine. The Californian says, "Napa Valley, we got lots of great wine down there." The Boisean borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off a bottle of TableRock and downs the whole bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the air, shoots the Californian and simultaneously catches the falling bottle. Now the people are screaming, "Why'd you do that???!!!!" The Boisean replies, "We got lots of Californians, but I got to recycle this bottle."
The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,
"What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy
and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair
rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and
his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls
light
up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Gleaned from Slashdot, reprinted without permission....
(if you've never seen the parrot skit this won't be funny)
---------------------------------------------
apologies to John Cleese (Score:5, Funny)
by GOD_ALMIGHTY on Thursday October 19, @04:55PM EDT (#108)
(User #17678 Info)
Customer: I wish to register a complaint about this stock, what
I purchased not half hour ago from this very brokerage.
Broker: Oh yes, the Dot-Com, what's aah, what's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's
dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Broker: No, no, 'e's ah... he's strategizing.
Customer : Look, matey, I know a dead Dot-Com when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
Broker : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's strategizin'!
Customer : Strategizin'?
Broker : Y-yeah, Strategizin.'
Remarkable stock, the Dot-Com, isn't it, eh? Beautiful website!
Customer : The website don't enter into it. It's stone dead!
Broker : Nononono, no, no! 'E's
strategizin!
Customer : All right then,
if he's strategizing, I'll wake him
up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Dotty! Mister Dot-Comie! I've got a lovely fresh IPO
for you if you wake up, Mr. Dot-Com...
Broker : There, he moved!
Customer : No, he didn't, that was you sending out a press
release!
Broker : I never!!
Customer : Yes, you did!
Broker : I never, never....
Customer : 'ELLO DOTTAAAAAAAY! DOTT-EE! DOT-COM! WAKE UP!
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR ANNUAL REPORT!
DOT-EEEEEEE!
Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Broker: No, no.... No, he's reorganizing.
Customer : REORGANIZING?
Broker : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Dot-Coms stun easily, major.
Customer : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this.
That Dot-Com is
definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour
ago, you assured me that
its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and
shagged out after a long
martket expansion.
Broker : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably developin' a
patent portfolio.
Customer : DEVELOPIN' a PATENT PORTFOLIO? What kind of talk is
that? Look, why did he fall
flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Broker : The Dot-Com prefers kippin' new marketin strategies!
Remarkable stock, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely website!
Customer : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that
stock when I got
it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been
sitting on the market in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Broker : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that stock down, it
would have nuzzled up to those markets, bent 'em apart with
its little B2B sales force, and VOOM!
Customer : "VOOM?"
Customer : Look matey, this stock wouldn't "voom" if you put
four thousand venture capitalists through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Broker : It's not! I-It's patenting!
Customer : It's not patenetin,' it's passed on! This company
is no more! It has ceased
to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late
stock! It's a stiff!
Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him up
with venture capital he would be
pushing up the daisies! Its business processes are of interest
only to historians!
It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's
run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an F*CKED-COMPANY!
----------------------------------------------------------------
P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
----------------------------------------------------------------
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of
sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the
party of the second part (herein referred to as him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party
agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange
political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone
else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make
known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and
fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to
make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said
relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person
who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or
"psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My
Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda
Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For
definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or
Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following
terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days
both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor
states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days
said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to
by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the
commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the
terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer
to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my
better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable. Further, if both members of the party
consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if either party "gets
too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve
the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again
be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties
agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five
(45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without
explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of
the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls
will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each
party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls.
Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least
twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the
middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties
agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship
agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will
arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their
normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside - "we" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the
time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I
bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship
progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a
week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their
respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to
silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both
will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning, and both agree
to "pick up after himself" while in residence at the her apartment,
including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with
household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his
right to keep his apartment "a mess".)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each
member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric
use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a
family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the
other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats,
cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not
each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the
other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds
for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that
same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should
seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you
are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other
party's refrigerator. (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the
following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are...". (Psychosis to be filled in at the
proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal
undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a
period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and
further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the
description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right"; "He/She wanted
more than I could give";"He/She was too involved in his/Him career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties
agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997: A company out sources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was out sourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?
Why did the chicken cross the road? =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-==-=-=-= Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was. Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" The Pope: That is only for God to know. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook . M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell:Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle:To actualize its potential. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Nietzsche:Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross it, I've not been told! O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
HP marketing guy is doing research. He puts a frog on the floor
and yells "JUMP!". The frog jumps. He writes in his notes "Frog
with four legs jumps four feet".
He cuts off one of the frog's
legs, places him on the floor and yells "JUMP!". The frog jumps.
He writes in his notes "Frog with three legs jumps three feet".
He continues in this fashion until the frog has no legs. He puts
the frog on the floor and yells "JUMP!". The frog obviously can't
jump. He writes down "Frog with no legs can't hear".
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."